An account of the scariness at hyper

I am invoking our dear former First Lady, Nancy Reagan when I say, JUST SAY NO! Our next faculty member has so many undeserved titles that it is amazing her head doesn’t explode! She doesn’t even have a real doctoral degree! On all the student evaluation websites, she is considered a MILF and nothing else. One student even went so far as to encourage his whole fraternity to take her class saying: “It was easy and there was something to look at.” 

She gets by on other people’s work—taking full credit without a care in the world. Her passive-agressive nature comes easily and she mesmerizes men by twirling her hair around her pointy finger. Often dumbfounded by her stupidity, she succumbs to reinforcing stereotypical trash culture despite her desires to climb the classes. Sadly, her idiocy consistently gets in the way. 

She innocently proclaims she is an independent thinker but secretly does the bidding of the one whose name we dare not say. Her plastic smile matches her coal-like heart that descends on difference with a vengeance. She wants everyone to become a Stepford wife—to exude an on the surface fake existence while deeply unsatisfied with the boredom of being in the Alaskan wilds. It is a shame that age is starting to get to her…but thankfully she can rely on experimental doses of super botox to help wash those wrinkles away. 

Research: Yeah, right. More like, how to engage in research without having to do research. 

Teaching: Just look pretty and no one will notice that I’m not really teaching you anything. 

Service: You do the work, and I will take credit.